A Year Later… I’m Still Seeking :)

Guys. It has officially been a YEAR since I opened this blog.

A whole year.

It feels like just yesterday that I had this idea to create a space where I could talk openly about my faith, my questions, my struggles, and what it actually looks like to seek God when life is life-ing.

And if I’m being so serious, this past year has been a journey of fighting for my faith.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m still fighting.

But let me tell you what happened.

I met a boy.

Why is it always a boy??? 😭

And y’all... I thought he was THE ONE.

He loved Jesus. He had a nice family. We could talk about God together. And in my head, I just knew our little babies were going to be saved, sanctified, filled with the Holy Ghost, and running around church in tiny matching outfits.

Like... I had it PLANNED.

The problem was, somewhere along the way, my relationship with Christ stopped being my relationship with Christ.

It became our relationship with Christ.

And those are not the same thing.

Without even realizing it, I made an idol out of this man.

I wanted to marry him so badly that, in my mind, I started acting like we already were married. My relationship with God became connected to what he was doing. If he didn’t pray for us, I wasn’t praying. If we weren’t talking about God, I wasn’t really spending time with God on my own.

He took up so much of my time, my thoughts, my emotions, and honestly, space that belonged to God.

WHEW.

And of course...

It ended.

And not just ended.

It ended BAD.

Like bad bad.

And when it was over, I had to sit with the uncomfortable realization that somewhere along the way I had put this man in a position that he was never supposed to have.

I expected him to help carry a faith that was supposed to be rooted in Christ.

That is CRAZY to admit out loud.

But we live. We learn.

AND WE KEEP SEEKING.

After everything ended, I went through a MAJOR slump.

I’m talking dry season.

Desert.

No water.

Not a cloud in sight.

I was still going to church. I still believed in God. I still knew who Jesus was. But something inside of me felt disconnected.

Prayer felt hard.

Worship felt weird.

Reading my Bible felt uncomfortable.

And honestly? I felt guilty.

I felt like God was mad at me.

Like I had messed up so badly that I didn’t deserve to come back and sit with Him.

And the crazy thing is... I KNEW that wasn’t true.

My brain knew it.

But my heart was having a hard time believing it.

Because bro...

God doesn’t love me???

The same God who sent His Son to die on the cross for me?

The same God who already knew every mistake I would make before I ever made it?

The same God who watched me make a whole human being an idol and STILL kept calling me back to Him?

Be serious.

The math ain’t mathinggggg.

And I think that is one of the biggest things I’ve learned during this season.

Sometimes knowing the truth and feeling the truth are two completely different battles.

I knew God loved me.

I just had to learn how to receive that love again without feeling like I needed to earn my way back into His presence.

Because I didn’t have to earn my way back.

I just had to come back.

So...

I’m back.

Not because I suddenly have everything figured out.

I absolutely do not.

Not because my faith is perfect now.

UMMMM I don’t think it will ever be.

I’m back because I still believe there is purpose in this blog.

I believe there is something important about saying the things that we sometimes feel like we aren’t supposed to say as Christians.

The questions.

The doubts.

The dry seasons.

The moments when worship feels amazing and the moments when you’re standing in church like, “God... are You even listening to me?”

The parts of following Jesus that I LOVE.

And even the parts that, if we’re being real, I kinda lowkey don’t love.

I want to live with a whole, open heart.

One that isn’t afraid to let people see inside.

I don’t want this blog to be me standing on some imaginary platform acting like I have mastered Christianity. I want it to be us figuring out what it means to keep choosing Jesus over and over and over again.

Even after heartbreak.

Even after disappointment.

Even after we make something an idol.

Even after we run.

Even when we’re embarrassed about how far we let ourselves drift.

We keep seeking.

So that’s what we’re doing.

Twice a month, I’m coming here.

You’re going to hear my questions. My thoughts. My random revelations. The things I’m learning. The things I’m wrestling with. The things I love about walking with the Lord and the things I’m still trying to understand.

I don’t know exactly where this is going.

But maybe that’s the point.

We don’t have to know exactly where we’re going to keep seeking the One who does.

So, welcome back.

Or, if you’re new here, welcome.

I’m still learning.

I’m still healing.

I’m still fighting for my faith.

And most importantly...

I’m still seeking.

Let’s keep seeking together.